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The last retreat I attended in September my teacher, Sri Shambhavananda, asked for the really hard questions, the questions we were too afraid to ask. For a really long time I had wanted, but too afraid, to ask for help. I was rattled with fear because that meant I had to actually work on it. The hard decisions are usually the right ones. I had to bring it to the surface, make it real, and be held accountable. I asked, “Can I get a sankalpa that will actually get me to meditate in the evenings? I have spent years trying for it, failing, and finally discouraged. Filled with guilt and shame it feels like a steel mountain of my own patterns, avoidance, distraction, tiredness, and familial responsibilities. Do I need to “make” it happen, or do I just wait for my life to open up to it? I really need to be meditating right now, in the thick of it.” *Sankalpa: “A caterpillar can’t just add ‘wings’ to its to-do list in order to become a butterfly, but how often do we all take that kind of approach to changing our lives? Instead, we must learn to ‘go inside our cocoon' through meditation, and remain there until an inner transformation naturally unfolds. Lucky for us, we can transform ourselves in just 30 minutes a day, instead of being trapped in a cocoon for 3 years like some caterpillars. That’s the Spirit of Transformation at the heart of the Sanskrit word ‘Sankalpa’, life’s natural means to lasting change.” Acharya Satyam Eppinger, Konalani Yoga Ashram Today, I am redefining discipline. I have found my strongest energy of discipline to be held within the flexibility of self-compassion. Strong energy, living within a soft place, sounds like a dichotomy but it is true for me, over and over again. What is discipline? Is it a succeed or fail, black or white? What happens if I screw up? Do I want discipline to take me to a pre-destined objective? Having this outlook, I leave little room for the “active act of trying;” listening, communicating, exploring, adapting, changing, and most importantly self-compassion. What if discipline had constant adjustments like a balance? Balancing on one foot is a constant search for center. If I balance on one foot there is a symphony happening within of balance and counterbalance. All the muscles are working together to adjust and when one muscle pulls too far, another brings it back. Even when I fall over the muscles are still “trying” to get it right. And then other muscles turn on, perhaps from the ground, to re-establish the body back to where they know success usually exists. “Active trying” is still a valid search for balance, even when it looks different, or you fall over. My teacher’s response to my question was that I should find a practice that I love, that I enjoy, that is easy and simple. It will grow over time. Pick one thing and do it well. He went on to say that his favorite practice was to gaze at his Guru, breathing their aura into his 3rd eye, down to his heart, then exhaling to send love back in gratitude.
“If you look at the eyes of the great beings, such as [Nityananda], you will know that their eyes are still and they are watching themselves. The eyes are not closed; they are open, but they are still; they don’t see anything. The mind is still, it is not thinking about anything. The prana, the vital force, is also still without doing pranayama or kumbhaka. When the eyes become still, when the eyes watch the eyes, the mind stops thinking and becomes still. For a while the prana becomes still without your stopping it, without you retaining it inside. … it brings all attainments. In this you attain the Self, you attain God.” Swami Muktananda “From the Finite to the Infinite, pg 137” This is a powerful practice, and I have gotten so much wisdom by gazing at a picture of my teacher. By breathing into my 3rd eye, I feel like I’m absorbing wisdom that I have not yet attained. During the retreat, I was asking “how do I get to my cushion each evening?” Without wanting an “answer,” I let the energy work me and let go of any resistance to the opening. As I brought the breath down into my heart the energy massaged a space, like a thumbprint cookie, a little space for sweetness to grow with every exhale. As the retreat faded, I retained the space of something in my middle, a little nectar. I’ve decided that in my life, I only need to make a thumbprint cookie, a space. In massaging that space, it is pliable. When I massage that space a little every day, I allow it to grow, effortlessly. It is not about “making” it happen, forcing, willing, guilting, or shaming ourselves into practice. We simply massage a little space in our life, open our hearts, and let it grow without expectation or destination. Prayatna Shaithilya Ananta Samapattibhyam “This Divine Mother, called Kundalini, is placed in the center of the heart…The goddess cannot be awakened by force. She can only be awakened by (nada) supreme I consciousness filled with supreme awareness. To awaken her, the yogi has to churn their point of one-pointedness in the heart, without break, again and again.” Tantrasadbhava about Shiva Sutra 2.3 If everything is the inner Self, the Self of all, and if I am supposed to have effortless effort while seated, why shouldn’t I have effortless effort to get to the cushion? The directions I have been given from my Babaji is to sit and open my heart for a little bit every day. He asks for nothing more, nothing less. To persevere without tension, I needed to stop making evening meditation a huge event. The effort that I was putting toward evening practice was different than the practice itself. The effort and the practice are both my purest state of Self. I am what I seek. “An elephant-path (also known as a desire-path…) is a path created as a consequence of erosion caused by human or animal foot-fall or traffic. The path usually represents the shortest or most easily navigated route between an origin and destination.” Baukje Kleinbekman For me, it helps to make my evening routine into little rituals. To find the easiest time, I’ve attached it to something that is already working. I move from my closet, to the sink, to the cushion in my bedroom. I cannot go to bed without walking past my deep wish. I am a kinesthetic person, so it works well for me to track the same pathway like an elephant to water. I have laid my cushion in the middle of the walkway, blaringly annoying, in front of a small altar.
It starts by making that space, that crack of time, and massaging. I open my heart wishing for growth, wisdom, and the energy needed to overcome my own mind and karma. I sit, gazing at a teacher that has already attained everything I want. I put on some lotion and literally massage my hands and feet while gazing. I churn the heart, stirring again and again while massaging my hands. I connect with the breath and allow it to make a space for new energy, like adding a chocolate to a thumbprint cookie. If my evening practice is opening the heart for 5 minutes and feeling love, there is no shame in that. If that 5 minutes get transformed into something more, I am not “making” it happen. And if all I did was sit and put some lotion on, making it to the cushion, then I tried. And that feels better than not trying. Churning the one-pointedness in the heart, without break, again, and again, awakens supreme awareness. It does not have to be hard. Find a practice that you love, that you enjoy, that is easy and simple. It will grow over time. Pick one thing and do it well. You can breathe space into your life and patterns. Breathe in a teacher and their wisdom. I am completely sure that I will be tested and this will get hard again but I have a foundation finally. I can already feel myself starting to find something different and it is starting to grow. |
